Looking in the Mirror

Spiritual Revelations for those seeking Humanity in Humans ~~CordieB.

Archive for jokes

Freaky, Funny Friday . . .

Good afternoon to all you beautiful people!  I just want to say thanks for reading and commenting on my life poetry lately; I know it can be a downer at times; so I appreciate you guys bearing with me as I begin to remove bandages off some old wounds so they can be exposed  to the sunlight to dry out, scab over, and completely heal.  I want to thank all of you for that, but especially Paisley at Why Paisley  and Just Paisley , for if not her for her revealing of truths, I may have continued bandaging these wounds, never allowing them to air.  Anywho . . . enough of that for now.  For your kindness and your love I wanted to send you off with a freaky, funny weekend – so I hope this one has you in stiches and lifts your beautiful spirits!  Read on . . . Have a freaky funny weekend!

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, ‘When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.’

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T.’

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, ‘Take this and eat it for it is my body.’ He did not say ‘Eat me’.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called ‘Mary with the
Cherry’.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Received this from my friend Roy Bowers – thanks for the laughs Roy!

The Pink Elephant

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

‘Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.’

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, ‘Sure. I have this,’ and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, ‘There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.’

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. ‘I mean, what in the world is
this?’

(you’re gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says…

‘It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack.. Give the frog a loan, His old man’s a Rolling Stone.’

(You’re singing it, aren’t you? Yeah, I know you are……..)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Have a lovely day

This was sent to me by my favoriate cousin, Deborah, this morning. 

Peace, Light and Love to all . . .